Stop Asking for What You Need

I spent more than a decade trying to help my clients put names to what they need in order to thrive.  Using the research-based CliftonStrengths assessment, I had a baseline–and a remarkably accurate one at that–understanding of what a person’s natural patterns of thought, feeling and behavior craved.  I’ve called these needs, fuel, and individualized yearnings.  Plenty of my interactions with clients have been short, not a long-term conversation.  And far too often, I got the sense that while it was bright and clear to me what someone needed to do, ask for, or invest in based on their Strengths, they just didn’t see it or didn’t feel inspired to make a change. Today I realized what I’ve been getting wrong.

We have been building the target around the wrong bullseye.  A thriving life, one that aligns your infinite potential with the investment to activate that power, it’s not about needs.  All due respect to Mr. Sinek, but it’s not about your “why” either.  Your direct line to potential is not about your purpose, your community, or even your legacy.  To truly tap into the promise of your talent, you have to serve your soul.

Until you tap a direct line into the voice of your inner being, the rest is a distraction. 

Asking for what you need is hard.  Most leaders I have coached are high-performing professionals.  They don’t need anything special any more than they needed hand-holding as children.  They’re typically the smartest kids in the room, the driven entrepreneurs, the problem-solvers, and the first to pick up on the emotions of others. Even asking what they need in order to get to the next level is a distraction from what we really should be asking.  Needs are universal.  Top talent needs what we can (and have) defined from studying great workplaces.  They need engaging environments where they feel seen, where they feel special, where they feel challenged to do better and connected to a purpose.  But to truly understand the shifts in approach that will unlock constellations of possibility, we have to explore what they want.

It’s not that different for you.  If I ask, “what do you need from others in order to be at your best?” there’s a good chance you either draw a blank, or start bargaining in your own mind.  Whether it’s rooted in a disbelief that you could ever ask for something, or a lack of trust that you’d ever get it, it’s natural to talk yourself out of needing anything unique.  But what if, instead, you stop right now and write down a few things you want?  Go ahead.  No one is looking.  Play your favorite song and use the entire time to list things you want.

You might also start with some universally desirable things, like stability, health, balance, safety, or a good job.  I’ve designed a bullseye that will help you aim for something more personalized, and ideally more within your reach.  I used this myself, and realized some deep yearnings.  This exercise led me to take a drastic and terrifying career leap, make a significant change in my own health, and stand up as if I was three inches taller.  It gave me space not to fight for anyone else, but to listen to the brilliant, supported, powerful talent within myself. 

1. Intention
Start in the middle of the target, with Intention. Think of your favorite future self, some place on a timeline that makes sense to you.  (Far enough into the future that you believe you’ll be different, but not so far that the picture gets fuzzy.)  What does is commonplace for this future self that today for you feels aspirational?  What do they do with ease that today you have to reach for with effort?  What do they experience as part of their everyday reality that you do not currently experience?  

2. Desire
What about that intention is desirable for you?  What would be different about your Future You’s experience that you want? 


By asking not for the ingredients to a great day, but instead the desire of your own inner knowing, we are aiming toward something truly meaningful.  Something sustainable.  But be careful, once you tap into this connection with the voice inside you, it won’t be easy to turn the volume back down.  That’s why we keep going and design action that turns you slightly closer toward your intuition.

3. Reminder
What is something you have discovered, or remembered about yourself?

4. Offering
When you’re at your very best, what value do you offer yourself and others?

5. Promise
What promise do you make to yourself?  

I prefer “promise” over resolution, action, or next step.  Because again–it’s not about anyone but you.  Accountability supporters, coaches, and partners can help you even more when they’re checking in with how well you’ve kept your own promise to yourself, rather than sitting next to you, evaluating how you’ve progressed against an untethered goal.

It’s a courageous thing, listening to the voice within.  Your soul may desire things that your head, hands and feet find impossible.  But research backs up the ideal of unique contribution–that the best way to live a life is to align your action with your natural patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving.  That frees us up to let go of there being any one right way to fulfill a need.  Focusing on desire is not only instantly more salient, it’s leaps and bounds closer to understanding what you truly should be pursuing with your short and precious time on this planet. 

The Desire Target helps you listen more closely to what your intuition is whispering.